Choices Made
by Ryalla-Swiftwind
Summary: Not all choices are the right ones.  Alistair's wedding makes Mia reconsider hers.


From the back of the crowded room I watched them. I watched as he rested his hand gently on hers while the words that would bind them were spoken. I watched as he looked down at her with an expression that had always been reserved for me. I watched as she gazed back up at him, the expression on her intelligent, beautiful face unusually soft. This was a show for their subjects…wasn't it?

The pain that stabbed through my heart as I watched Alistair with Anora was not unexpected, but the intensity was. I had thought I could do this. I really had. But I couldn't. I bowed my head so that no one could see the tear that slipped down my cheek. No one would know the cause of it, for we had been very discreet, but all the same, I didn't want others to see my weakness. I bit down on the base of my index finger to keep from calling out to him to stop. From yelling that this was wrong.

He had to marry Anora. I understood that. Or at least my head did. I took a strangled gasp of air, trying to hide the sob that I could feel bursting from my throat. Maker, I felt like someone was twisting a darkspawn tainted dagger in my chest.

Warm fingers brushed my hand, tentatively. I grabbed Zevran's hand and held on as if it were a lifeline. Adrift as I felt, it was. He squeezed my hand, thumb running over my knuckles in a completely non-sexual gesture of comfort. Even through my pain I could tell that there were no sexual overtones, for had he been offering sexual comfort there would have been no tentativeness. Gestures of pure friendship came much harder for him, and I was all the more grateful for the offer of comfort, knowing that it didn't come easily.

Now though, all I wanted was to get out of the room. I didn't want to hear any more and I didn't want to see any more. But I also didn't want to make a spectacle of myself.

Zevran must have read my mind, though I'm sure that at the time it wasn't a hard thing to do. He leaned close to my ear, his voice hardly more than a breath. "Only a short time, and they will stand for the blessing, yes? The side entrance is not locked and we could move while everyone arises. I believe the guards are there only to stop those trying to enter. They will not likely hinder those leaving."

I gave a short nod, glad to hand control to someone else for a while. I clutched Zevran's fingers in a fierce grasp, I stared at a knot in the wood of the bench in front of me and I concentrated on seeing and hearing nothing.

Alistair's beautiful voice drifted back to me, beginning the chant of commitment. I could feel my breath coming shorter, the urge to flee almost overwhelming.

"Just moments longer." I focused on Zevran's whispered voice, trying to block out Alistair's.

Then there was shuffling movement all around as people stood for the blessing. Zevran tugged on my hand and we bolted out the benches and to the side door. While he opened it, I couldn't resist the draw to look at Alistair one more time. Just as I turned toward him, he looked up, knowing that my gaze was on him, or, more likely, his attention was drawn by our movement. For a brief moment our eyes met and I could read pain in his face and then it was gone, as if it had never existed and he looked back down at his bride.

Zevran gave my arm another tug and I followed mindlessly, all of my attention focused on not giving in to the howl I could feel building inside.

The next thing I knew, we were in my chambers. Zevran urged me through the door and shut it firmly behind me. "Now my sweet, you may let go," he said softly.

As if his words had been a trigger, a strangled sob escaped from my throat. I didn't want to give in to the tears, but it seemed I had no longer a choice in the matter. I sagged weakly onto the bed and curled into a ball. All of the tears that I had not allowed myself for the past year came out. Tears of fear, tears of relief that we were both still alive, tears of hurt and tears of fury. I don't know how long I cried.

Zevran sat on the bed beside me and stroked my hair. At first I wasn't even conscious of his presence, and then slowly I became aware of his fingers in my hair, of the soothing platitudes he was murmuring in his soft voice. A thought crossed my mind, and before I was even able to acknowledge it, my body was acting on it. Acting on the promise of the pain disappearing, for a while at least. I sat up suddenly and seized his mouth with mine, seeking to block out the pain, seeking to forget.

Zevran met the aggressive kiss, tongue for tongue, his hands tangled in my hair. Then slowly he began to gentle the frenzied embrace, finally drawing away. He put a hand softly on my chest, holding me away. "No, _cherie_," he said quietly.

It was if he'd slapped me and I went cold with shame inside. Zevran was saying no to me? Zevran? I leapt from the bed and strode to the window, staring out sightlessly. What was wrong with me? Why did everyone I care about abandon me? What…

"_Cherie_," Zevran's voice was urgent enough to catch my attention and draw me out of my inward dialog. "_Cherie_, should we come together, it will be a thing of joy and beauty. It cannot be a thing of pain that you will regret come dawn." He paused, and I just watched him, unsure of whether to believe him, unsure of just about everything.

"Mia," he continued, his voice soft and perhaps a bit unsure as well. "Mia, I have few friends. I would not choose to have fewer due to a lapse in judgment."

I nodded, telling him I understood, though I'm not sure I did. I'm not sure what I felt. Mostly I just felt empty and drained. "I think I'd like to sleep," I said. Sleep was good. Sleep would mean blessed oblivion for a while.

Zevran nodded and stood, then turned to me. "Would you like me to lay with you, _cherie, _while you sleep?"

The offer was entirely unexpected. From what I'd deduced, Zevran did not actually _sleep _with anyone. I paused for a moment, then realized that I didn't want to feel alone. "I'd like that," I said softly. "If you don't mind."

"Of course, _cherie, _for you, anything."

I lay down and felt the bed give beneath Zevran's weight beside me. His presence did comfort me and though I had not expected to find sleep easily, almost as soon as my head touched the pillow, I slipped into a deep and blessedly dream free sleep.

Even in the depths of deep sleep, I could sense when Alistair walked into the room. I struggled up from unconsciousness and opened my eyes to look at him. I could see raw jealousy on his face as he looked at Zevran and I on the bed and I felt the tension in the man next to me. I also saw the instant that Alistair realized how little right he had to feel what he was feeling. Deep shame replaced the jealousy. My heart squeezed in grief. He was such a good man. Was going to be such a good king. And now I knew there was no place for me in that.

Then I wondered if he had just come from her rooms. If he had just been… I quashed that thought. Therein lay madness and the reason that I could not stay.

I stood and faced him, but drew no nearer. "I can't, Alistair," I said softly. "I can't share you and still be me."

"I know," he replied, his voice hoarse with emotion. "I realized that when I saw you run out today. I should have realized it a long time ago, but I wanted to be with you so much…" His voice broke.

I had thought that I'd cried myself dry, but I had been mistaken. Again tears began streaming down my face. When he held out his arms, I was too weak to resist and I went to him, clasping him desperately. For one last time, I lay my head against his chest and listened to the familiar rhythm of his heart.

I felt him look over my shoulder. "Zevran, I trust her to your care." If I'd had the energy I probably would have been incensed. As it was, I didn't care.

"I will take care of her Alistair," Zevran said, with a note in his voice I didn't recognize. "I swear it, my liege."

Alistair drew back and his eyes were bleak. "Ever shall I love you," he said. His voice wavered, but he continued, "When the time comes, return to me and we will finish this as we started it. Together."

I nodded, my throat to full to say the words in my heart. He turned abruptly and strode from the room. Finally I found my voice. "I love you Alistair."


End file.
